By Kristina Carrodeguas of Living Wonderfilled
Have you ever felt so insecure about your body that you let it stop you from living and experiencing life?
I have. I did. All. The. Time. Thankfully that’s over now.
I was always the fat kid growing up. Well, they called it chubby or whatever. But I was fat and I had massive legs. My thunder thighs had thunder thighs. I was basically born insecure about my body and lived the first 25 years of my life that way.
I went on a surprise day trip to a lake the other day and had the absolute best time. There I was, floating in the water when all the sudden it hit me: I’ve never done this before.
Let me explain. I lived in East Tennessee in high school and college. Lake days were a pretty common summer activity, which meant boys, bathing suits, and sweat. Lots and lots of sweat. Me, in my size 18, 5’4” body was less than excited. Sure, I would go with my family and my absolute closest friends. But as I got older, I stopped going. Spontaneous trips meant I couldn’t plan ahead, meaning I couldn’t do a crash diet and workout regimen for a week before to try and be in my best possible shape. So I just didn’t go.
And I missed out on so much.
I’ve also been the only fat person I knew for pretty much my whole life. I had one friend in high school who was bigger, but she played soccer so she still had great legs. So it was me and a bunch of skinny or slender athletically built girls. I think my biggest friend was a size 8, but she was also 6’ tall…so even she was still thin, considering.
I’ve always loved travel and have always travelled with my family. Even with them, I felt terribly insecure, but they would make me feel comfortable and I never felt exposed.
And sure, I took trips with friends, as long as they involved being fully clothed and not sweating. But a spur-of-the-moment trip involving a bathing suit with all skinny people? Nope, didn’t happen. Flash forward to me, at 30 years old, going on a spontaneous day trip with two very thin, fit 25-year-olds. Realistically they’re both the stereotypical definition of ‘attractive’ on top of having the ‘ideal’ body type. And yet, when my friend said ‘bring a bathing suit,’ I didn’t even flinch. It didn’t phase me. When I got there and got into the kayak, I went in with my yoga capris. Realistically it wasn’t warm enough to take them off. Then when it came time to swim, I didn’t hesitate. My friends wanted us all to swim. They wanted to have this fun day, together. I pulled my pants off and nothing. (Well, we were all a bit shocked at how pale I was compared to my arms. But, lockdown, you know?)
Nobody flinched. Nobody cared. When I had to sit in the middle of the kayak to balance the weight, it wasn’t a big deal. It was just a fact. Period. And we had a freaking blast.
At the end of the day, when we were talking about how great of a time we’d had, planning more days like this, I suddenly felt kind of nostalgic for all the days I’d missed. All the times like that one, when all everyone wanted to do was have fun, but I got too in my head about it to let myself enjoy.
The crazy thing is, even when my friends in high school told me they didn’t care about my body and that everyone was insecure, I didn’t believe them. I thought they were trying to placate me and make me feel better. Both are true. We’re all insecure in some way or another and for the most part, people aren’t looking at your body.
Everyone just wants to have a good time.
About the Author
Kristina Carrodeguas is many things: she’s First-Generation American of Cuban and Colombian heritage. She’s a traveller, a (mostly vegan) foodie, and a sort of nomad. Ever since she was a little girl, she was always the most inquisitive person around; that curiosity has only grown and blossomed. She’s currently living in St. Pete Beach, Florida, after spending 2 years in Nashville and 2 years in Madrid. Up next? Van life!
Website: http://www.livingwonderfilled.com/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/livingwonderfilled/